Pressure Points

Since going to college is a major life event, sitting down with your completed questionnaires should be a special occasion. Schedule a time in advance. Make sure that other pressing obligations and younger siblings are out of the way. Consider heading to a quiet restaurant or to a favorite secluded spot. This will underscore the importance of the meeting and often make it possible to discuss conflicts clearly and calmly.

Emphasize the positive aspects of the process—your mutual hopes and dreams, the excitement of a wide range of opportunities and options. Remember that you are sharing an experience that is the culmination of many years of schooling and parenting, and that no decisions need to be made overnight, no disagreements have to be resolved instantly, and compromise may be an important watchword along the way.

For example, Althea's parents envisioned her at a small, rural Catholic women's college. She was sold on Boston University—large, urban, and certainly coed. She agreed to investigate both and, in doing so, discovered Wellesley, which became her first choice and pleased everyone. Of course, not all stories have such happy endings. But there are some other points for parents to keep in mind that will ease tensions and help precipitate a fruitful and usually peaceful college search.

Are you able to let go?
Ask yourself this question early on. Are you pushing Pomona because it's a great college or because it's around the corner? What fears do you have about how family life will change when your child leaves for college? Will there be a family left at all? Are you anxious about how to fill the time you once devoted to this child?

Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Today's College Experience, by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger and Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years, by Helen E. Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller are two books that offer insight and advice to parents dealing with the emotional side of sending a child to college.

Whose idea is this, anyway?
If you have always wanted to be a podiatrist or a psychologist, an accountant, or a registered nurse and are now pushing an unwilling child in that direction, consider going back to school yourself. Also, don't insist on a college that offers football or physics, Theta Chi or Sigma Xi, just because it was right for you. Try to keep your own goals or needs separate from what your child wants. It's tough. Eighteen-year-olds don't always know what's best for them. They may choose to study archaeology, astronomy, French, or fashion design only because that's what a friend is doing. Meanwhile, you worry that history majors end up waiting tables; that art school graduates sweep floors (see "Major Dilemmas" in Chapter 2).

Ask your child to explain choices and try to point out when plans seem outrageous, but never deny a dream just because it's not your dream. Some parents live vicariously through their children, just as some children live for their parents' approval. Each of you must learn to recognize whose voice you're really hearing.

Whose life is this, anyway?
While parents may anticipate arguments over college choices and career goals and may also be at the ready to cajole and plead at deadline time, some are mystified when their children refuse to cooperate at all. The once-conscientious student now insists, "I'm not going to college, period" or, in essence, relays the same signal by ignoring the stack of catalogs and applications that is multiplying on the kitchen counter. In order to best respond, you'll have to translate the message. Is this just your basic garden-variety procrastination? Is your child afraid of failing to meet high expectations or fearful of breaking away? Is college the right move now—or even at all? First, try a bit of nagging and dragging (i.e., a few ultimatums and college visits that you've arranged). Sometimes, this is enough to break the ice. If not, consider other options: a year off (see Chapter 9), or even another route altogether. Your child may be a talented carpenter, an inspired chef, or a compassionate nurse's aide. These professions all require training, but not necessarily college.

Is prestige at the top of your priority list?
Many parents put pressure on students to apply to those colleges that will increase their own status or self-esteem. Such parents may be unwittingly setting their kids up for rejection or—if accepted—for frustration. "Students tend to be more realistic than their parents when it comes to college choices," notes Roger McC. Eastlake, Director of College Guidance at Germantown Academy in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania. "Applying to college involves complex decisions that should be based on thorough research, not on what decal you want on the back of your car," agrees Doran Morford, Director of College Guidance at Greens Farms Academy in Westport, Connecticut.

While many alumni insist that their years in Ivy League or equivalent institutions were worth the all-nighters and extracurricular efforts that it took to get there, some studies suggest that these super-school graduates are no more successful down the road, whether success is measured by earnings or self-proclaimed satisfaction, than those from the less-prominent places.

Applicants from impoverished communities and from working-class or lower-middle-class homes may benefit most from the opportunity to attend a college where they will rub elbows with the upper crust. Yet the students whose parents seem to care passionately about prestige institutions are those whose birthright has already secured them a spot on the top rung of the social ladder. Ironically, these children, who have typically been treated to more privileges than most, might get a truer education at a good, but less prestigious, place.

So encourage your child to seek a challenging college experience but don't attach unrealistic importance to name schools. Above all, never confuse what kind of student your child is with what kind of person he or she is. There are hundreds of thousands of high school students who are clever and kind, reliable, and even remarkable who won't be heading to Harvard next fall—but who will still lead happy and productive lives that make their parents proud.

Is this a split decision?
Although we've spent a lot of time talking about parents as if they are a united front like Ozzie and Harriet or NATO, the truth is that you and your mate may not see eye-to-eye on this college business at all. Don't expect to always agree. Pick your battles and respect your child's role as a tiebreaker.

College admission and financial aid offices do not function in the Dark Ages. There is room on most forms for all kinds of combinations and permutations of blended families. Officials are accustomed to parents who are AWOL or uncooperative and can usually offer advice. Your own situation may seem confusing, but you should never feel uncomfortable about explaining it or about requesting special considerations where appropriate.

Finally, divorced or separated parents often both expect to take an active role in the college search. Sometimes a noncustodial mother or father will seem to spring out of the woodwork at admission time (though many disappear at tuition time). It is important that you, your ex, and your child communicate as clearly as possible and, especially, define your roles. Who will go on college visits? Who will oversee applications? Who will pay college costs? (Don't overlook application fees, either. At about $50 a pop, they can be a big-ticket item.) Also, who gets to go to parents' weekend when all of this is behind you?

What's the sibling situation?
Beginning a college search means reminding yourself again and again that if you have more than one child, they may be very different. Just as Brenda was a beautiful ballerina and Tammy couldn't get into the tutu, you are likely to find that the college (or type of college) that is a perfect match for your first child may not fit the second one at all. Commonly, younger siblings are fearful of disappointing Mom and Dad after a superstar older brother or sister attends a big-name school. On the other hand, just because three kids have already trooped through the local state college, don't assume that it's the certain spot for number four as well. And parents of twins often find that college marks a turning point when a once inseparable pair heads in different directions.

Likewise, even if all of your children are seeking similar schools, you can practically count on different approaches to the process. Danny, for example, may have dragged you on a dozen campus tours, insisted that you read every essay, and never met deadlines without nagging; now Audrey wants to do it all alone. She visited Vassar with her boyfriend, canceled your Greyhound ticket to Grinnell, and may ultimately end up at a college where you never even knew she applied. Shifting gears among different children is one of the signs of brilliance among parents.

And speaking of siblings, although you may have to tuck the little ones away during summit meetings with the college-bound student, don't forget that this may be a confusing time for them, too. They recognize that change and anxiety are in the air. They know they will be losing an ally and mentor, tennis partner, math tutor, and occasional tormentor. Make sure you don't keep them in the dark—high school-age siblings, especially, can learn a lot from observing—and set aside time for special treats or attention.

Can't you just chill out?
With advice about the admission process swelling exponentially each year, a convoluted procedure can become an overwhelming ordeal for those who feel that they somehow have to do it all. Instead, parents and students should often remind themselves that there will always be another book they haven't read, another Web site they didn't visit, or another college they could have considered. You can't do everything and, frankly, an overload of information may only serve to cloud your decision-making capabilities.

You also won't be able to forestall every fight or heal every hurt that the college admission process will engender. You can help, however, by heeding the suggestions above and in the pages that follow. You can also help by stepping back sometimes. Don't let college consume your lives. Make a dinner date with your spouse or take your son or daughter to a movie (if they'll be seen with you in public). Make a list of off-limit words like "application," "acceptance," and "SAT," and see who can get through a day (or a meal or a minute) without saying them.

One top prep school offered students a workshop on dealing with their parents during the college search, and the room was packed. Sadly, several seniors confessed that they thought their parents would love them less if they didn't choose to apply to—or weren't accepted at—Mom or Dad's top-choice college.

Remember, wherever your child ends up, it's likely to be a place with thousands of books and hundreds of computers, with swimming pools and squash courts, and three square meals a day on the table. So above all, enjoy the adventure.